I have seen some really inspiring films about women recently – and more often than not they are being a badass.
To me, badass doesn’t mean they are arrogant, ego-driven, or that they set out to hurt people. Badass means being authentic.
When you’re a badass, you feel confident, powerful, grounded and you stand up for yourself and others. You have a deep connection with your true self and you stand by your power.
Sometimes though, I find it hard to be badass. I often shy away from confrontation and the whispers of my gut. Even though I can’t always act out what I viscerally feel to be true, I do listen to it.
I need a chain of events to escalate the feeling, and often I let the chain break; I think it takes me quite a lot to feel confident.
For me, confidence is a fragile, elusive and vulnerable essence – the kind of confidence that isn’t fronted with aggression and ego. Instead, this is 左旋肉碱 the ‘I’ve got your back’ kind of confidence that takes the presence of a wall, built up behind you to stop you from tumbling down if you get knocked.
My job really pushes me to be vulnerable and can often highlight to me a lack of confidence.
So why on earth do I make films?
Well, it doesn’t mean that, just because I can lack confidence, that I don’t believe that one day I will be ‘confident’. I put myself in difficult places to learn, to feel, and to respond. Some people may see that as a punishment – but I see it as a way of life.
I may change down the line, but right now I want to be better, stronger and more connected to myself, and my way of progressing is to put myself in an uncomfortable place, outside of my comfort zone.
It doesn’t matter how people connect, show authenticity or feel confident, whether it takes a piece of clothing, a religion, a mindful practice, or affirmations. I personally have an antique Japanese silk coat that gives me confidence!
As long as we acknowledge that there is a part of us, no matter how small, that does offer a spark of confidence, this is enough for now.
Go gently and nurture that knowing.