Blog :

Age 15

Age 15

Sometimes it is easy to forget how far you have come. When you know there is endless knowledge before you that you can’t even comprehend. The more you learn, the more you know you need to learn. “Practice makes more practice” as my old drumming teacher used to say.

Most days I find it hard to remember how far I have come. Until I catch myself cast my mind back.

One thing I can remember is the feeling of careless play. Experimenting with film, making up my own stories, my own rules and creating something that was without judgement.

I remember being allowed to play with film, ideas and imagination in my A level art. It feels almost now that I had no concept of failure during this time, I am sure this is not true but it is how I remember it and if failure did come into those years then they were not quite as harsh a feeling as I have now.

But what has changed? Why do I feel a weight? I know when I am making films, imagining them, developing them I feel free. But the concept of having business, boy that’s the weight.

So how can I tame or even learn to like this beast, I know as fear.

Well these are a few things I am trying.

Firstly, I remember past daemons I have tamed. How ferocious they once felt and now they have grown soft and calm.

Secondly I remember my passion. Simple.

Thirdly when I hit a stumbling block I think, aha wonderful, now I can really learn something!

And lastly remember you have to fall to learn how to fly. You have to step forward to walk towards a dream.

But maybe I don’t need to walk, Maybe I need to skip…Picture 9

The Night Before…

The Night Before…

When I decided a couple of weeks ago to fly towards an inspiration, I knew I was also flying towards an assault course of challenges.

Why not for my first Shimnix Session?

As I wait for tomorrow’s session I can hear the wind outside and a few ropes of anxiety ties a knot in my stomach.

Why not film outside in winter?

The weather forecast either quietens the rush of nerves or whips them up into waves of panic.

Why not film on the sea?

Peace I say, having a plan B gives me a little calmness.

Hope, failure, fear, if you don’t try you can’t fly.

Why not do a music session with no sound recording equipment, no public liability, no  release forms,  no lights, no location permission and just not enough hands?

I did not think about this a couple of weeks ago! But again you have to start, to know where you need to improve and if I had known I probably would not have even tried.

So now I have everything on that list and even a till ywo minutes ago I did not.

Through organising, determination and allot of help from my friends, their generosity and skill swapping understanding, I am now sat with everything other than the knowledge of the weather.

Maybe this Shimnix needs to fly through a storm to strengthen her wings.

To trust.

To be able to fly towards an inspiration with no regrets and no pre-emptive feelings of failure.

I am so pre-occupied with the sense of falling, that I have almost not realised I have learnt to fly.